I asked, just out of curiosity, how much the 3D tickets were. She said they were almost twenty dollars. I opted for the regular, 2-D viewing experience.

After all the flash and bang, I left the theater with the distinct sensation of being fourteen dollars poorer.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 will do great at the box office. We give our money to these blockbusters because they satisfy two hours of idle time that we could spend fucking or working out. Their formula appeases us. Throw CGI, pop music, bad script, bad acting, and star power in our face and the crowds will come.

Am I the only one that thinks three villains is a little...much?

Am I the only one that thinks three villains is a little…much?

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is an insult to the old comic book lover in me, the guy who grew up collecting action figures. I wanted Spider-Man to become real. Something more than another movie with pop songs in the credits, another sell-out to mass audiences ignorant of the grit in the comics, ignorant of Peter Parker’s history.

Maybe that’s part of a larger problem. Once upon a time, comics and superheroes belonged to outcasts, the kids who loved Peter Parker because he was one of them. Now, with actor Andrew Garfield, he’s been revamped as a smart-mouth, too-cool punk with a coif.

Originally Peter Parker was a nerd teased by Flash Thompson. Now, in Garfield’s hands, Peter isn’t a brainiac. He’s not top of his class. He’s not the shy geek who doubles as crime-fighter by night. He’s just Andrew Garfield with a one liner-heavy script, dressed in spandex.

Not to mention big, big hair.

I’m glad comics have exploded into the mainstream, but with this moneymaking revolution comes the death of my private, past-life fandom. I don’t like the cheapening of good source material for mass audiences, and that’s what’s happening here.

The script gets downright silly when Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone). who looks 27 but plays a senior in high school, tells Peter she “just can’t live like this anymore.”

Life is hard when you’re in high school.

Jamie Foxx talks to himself for most of his scenes. The filmmakers boldly deviate from Electro’s comic book origin story and make him another OSCORP mishap (involving electric eels, no less). Nobody should ever work here.

Marilyn Manson -- er, Electro -- raids Times Square, looking confused.

There are more rapid body transformations for you to look forward to. The injectable serums that create these transformations always seem to be available through top-secret clearance codes. They always go horribly wrong, and they always create super-villains.

Almost as an afterthought, Paul Giamatti yells in his Rhino suit. He’s in the film just long enough to shout his villain name (“I’m Rhino!”) in broad daylight before charging horn-first into a fast-paced, convoluted trainwreck of a finale.

Save your money. Catch The Amazing Spider-Man 2 when it arrives at your nearest Redbox.

Beastly

Writer, blogger, illustrator, kinkster.

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