Keanu Reeves was always clean-shaven in the Matrix movies, but in his latest — a sleek, noir-ish shoot-em-up — he’s packed on some weight in all the right places and grown some scruff. Woof!

It’s a sexy, stylish movie, but if you turned off the sound, one might mistake the whole thing for an Armani suit commercial.

john wick

That final showdown in the rain — “No guns! Just you and me!” — with the film’s main baddie, a Russian mobster named Viggo Tarasov (Michael Nyqvist, who played Mikael Blomkvist in the Swedish Millennium trilogy), is especially gorgeous.

Wick’s hair is fantastic. Whether slicked-back or wet-and-wild, his hair is enough to make any fashion cognizant homo ask Glenn O’Brien how one might mimic the look.

Michael Nyqvist

Michael Nyqvist

Reeves delivers lines with a tough and grieving demeanor (we learn in the beginning of the film that his wife just died from a long-term illness) and shoots lots of people in rapid succession.

Audiences don’t care if a person dies. But if you fuck with someone’s pet, we want nothing else than to see your brains splashed across the side of a building. They’ve even made a website for people who refuse to see a movie if the animal dies in it. If you’re one such person, John Wick is not for you.

The killing of the beagle is so bad, so awful, that it kind of overshadows the rest of the movie. All the gunfire and badassery that comes later doesn’t really make up for that soft, innocent death. It’s just horrible. I guess I’m one of those people who refuses to see those movies.

The death of the dog is what drives Wick’s revenge-fueled rampage against the city’s most powerful gangster. And that is the refreshing part of John Wick. Finally, a hero whose sole motivation is “because you killed my fucking dog, man.”

It sounds a little silly in a film genre where semiautomatics and suitcases full of money are standard (along with — I must add — Russians), but regardless, the audience leans forward in their seats the whole time thinking, “That’s right. Shoot those motherfuckers. Do it for the beagle.”

As a fun way to pass two hours, John Wick could only be improved with the addition of a sex scene. Reeves’ well-groomed beard promises more fur elsewhere.

— Beastly

Writer, blogger, illustrator, kinkster.

One Comment on “Beastly Reviews: John Wick

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