I read a few of your articles. I’m a straight guy with a submissive side. I’ve fantasized about bottoming to a strong Dominant black man since I was a teen and watched interracial hetero anal porn. I wanted to know what if felt like to be the girl in the vids. I’m much older now and I’m putting serious thought into trying a D/s LTR with a gay Dom, provided I can find one who is interested in me. I’m not into casual sex at all. Exploring submission on more then one level really interests me. I also like the idea of commitment and putting the needs of your partner above your own. Kinda like the 1950s type of marriage. Commit yourself to your partner and then learn how to make things work with him. Do you think a straight guy can make a good bottom and sub for a gay Dom? I don’t want to do it, if it’s not good for the Dom.

– submitted via email to my website, AlexanderCheves.format.com.

It doesn’t matter what you call yourself. Labels are tools, not cages.

That said, you may not be straight, my friend. In the language of your question I see you clinging to that word. I get it. You’re a straight guy.

Why is your sexual orientation important here? Is it part of the fantasy? Must you be a straight man for this imagined D/s relationship to be hot for you?

You can call yourself what you want, it truly doesn’t matter. You may be straight. But you’re a straight man who wants to get fucked in the ass, dominated, and ordered around by a black male dominant who is with you in a longterm D/s (for my readers: Dominant/submissive) relationship.

Whatever you call yourself, in that moment when his cock is slamming in your hole and you’re gritting your teeth and taking it like a champ and spinning because it feels so damn good and you can’t believe he’s pulling out all eleven inches and then slamming it back into your cunt like the submissive bitch you are, you’re having gay sex. In that moment, you’re a bent over, cock-loving fag.

And that fact will not take away your power, your worth, your prowess in bed, or your ability to do awesome stuff (sexually and otherwise). It doesn’t take away the legitimacy of your desires, the dirtiness of your fantasies, or the authenticity of your kink.

The only thing it does sort of chip away at is your self-description as a straight man, and again, even this is up for debate. Labels are tools, not cages.

But if you’re afraid of self-identifying as someone who isn’t straight, don’t be. In my best sex, I am a bent over, cock-loving fag. And when those eleven inches drill me like the submissive bitch I am, I utter up a prayer of thanks to a deaf and tyrannical god. I flick him my forked tongue for good measure. I hope he hears my groans with every thrust.

I can spot closeted self-denial when I see it. I can also spot self-imposed role play: “straight white jock gets pounded by sadistic black dom.” I’m leaning more to the former here, but I’ll let you do as you choose, and define yourself as you choose. Labels are tools, not cages.

In the short term, you will have an easier time finding what you’re looking for if you allow yourself to at least appear as a gay, bisexual, or bi-curious man looking for sex in queer spaces, digital and otherwise, because there’s no way you’re not going to appear that way. If presenting as someone who may not be straight is a deal-breaker for you, you’re going to have a hard time finding your dom.

If you decide to get on one of many websites where you may find your strong black dom, like FetLife or Scruff or Recon, you will appear gay/bisexual/bi-curious/queer by the simple fact of you being there and what it is you’re looking for. When your profile reads “Straight sub looking for Black Dom for D/s LTR,” guys like me, as well as guys you may be interested in, will say, “Sure, kid.”

You have to be okay with that. You have to accept that the rest of us will at least view you as “straight,” with a wink, if you’re going to find your man.

Because he’s going to be in queer spaces. He’s going to be hunting where he knows he can find a sub, and that’s not at a straight bar. The guys he is looking for may call themselves “straight” as part of the fantasy (or, even better for him, with a note of seriousness) but in his sling they’re going to call themselves Daddy’s Little Hole.

In the long run, you may discover that it’s healthier and more liberating for you to redefine your label. Again, you don’t have to call yourself anything in order to get your LTR dom. But if you’re not straight (and I do not believe you are), I hope that after your limits get pushed, after you enjoy hours of hot kinky sex, after you’ve been in a D/s relationship with a strong black dom for a while, and after he holds you in his arms delivering proper aftercare (emotional as well as physical), when you’re resting in your bed at night, you consider the possiblity that you may not be totally, 100 percent straight.

When you’re in that place, I hope you see the world of queer and its many labels (all free to try on for size) stretching before you as a dirty awesome playground with a rich history and a powerful community; a family to which you may legitimately belong.

Be safe in the hunt, my brother.


Writer, blogger, illustrator, kinkster.

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