I’m 20 and a virgin–shhhh! don’t tell my Dad he thinks I’m getting all the pussy in the world–and I’ve come close a couple of times but always chicken out at the last second. It’s not that I don’t want to do it; I love a guy pressed startingly close to me, feeling his hand run up my boxers and over my hard on; I’m just worried I won’t be good sexually. (I haven’t even given a guy a blowjob before!) The guy who I want to pop my cherry is a few years older but he’s had a lot more experience. He’s the kind of smoking guy you look at and immediately think he could fuck you up the ass in a toilet cubicle or lockeroom or car. I don’t think I want a relationship yet, but I’m worried that the second his cock slides into my ass I’ll suddenly want him around all the time. The way it looks on Pornhub or Xvideos makes me think that could be possible. We’ve got the house to ourselves for the weekend cause I hear sex is addicting but I just don’t want to be someone who grows clingy after sex. And do you think I should start kissing and work my way down or just launch into 69ing. He said he could rim me but I’ve never had it done? Does it hurt?
And final note: I think your view on sex is not only healthy but amazing. I had a lot of internalised homophobia about sex, probably cause I grew up in a rough part of Australia like so many other guys, but ever since I started reading your Advocate pieces I started to see that I didn’t have to be ashamed of wanting to be fucked in the ass, of wanting a guy to blow over my face. And that sex is nothing to be ashamed of but enjoyed. Thanks for helping disassemble that for me and so many guys.
Keep up the good work.
You, sir, are a budding little pig.
(Thanks for the compliments. It blows my mind that I’m being read in Australia.)
You’re on the cusp of your sex life. It’s about to start, and it’s going to be messy. It won’t be anything like what you see on Pornhub or Xvideos.
When you start, you won’t be “good” sexually (I assume you mean “skilled”) because no one is “good” out of the gate. “Good” gay sex takes years of practice. It takes many failures, many ruined, awkward nights. Try not to form any expectations from porn, because porn isn’t real.
I work in porn. I see the messes, the failures. I see the footage that gets edited out. I’ve cleaned off shit from dirty butt plugs and wiped up butt juice from the floor of a set. Real sex is both better and worse than anything you’ll see online. The more you do it, the less you’ll relate to porn. You’ll begin to see porn for what it is.
That comes later. You’re still forming your expectations from fantasy because you haven’t done anything yet. You’ll learn. You’ll figure it out.
Don’t beat yourself up when it doesn’t happen as good as you want it to; when you’re not “good.” You’ve gotten past the threshold of shame, which is the hardest part and something you did entirely on your own. Some of your peers will spend decades dealing with their shame, their internalized homophobia, their parents, their religion. You’re past all that. You just want cock. If no one else tells you this, I will: I’m proud of you.
You will have these awesome, nasty gay sex experiences. He’ll blow a load over your face. You’ll get fucked like a champ. But not without practice. And practice doesn’t come from watching porn. Practice comes from practice.
You will probably grow clingy after sex. Most of us do. I did.
Sex is a powerful, life-changing experience. When we’re new, we tend to latch onto those who we experience it with, not realizing the fault in doing so. I’d say “don’t get clingy,” but that’s needless here. You will, and doing so will teach you valuable lessons. You’ll get heartbroken once or twice (or more). You’ll get jealous. You’ll throw a tantrum. You need to. And in all likelihood, you’ll hurt someone else. That’s the thing about clinginess: it comes as fast as it goes. You’ll meet another guy, you’ll get bored. You’ll cling from guy to guy until you can stand on your own feet. These first guys are your footing into your new self. They probably won’t stay. They shouldn’t.
Look, you’re very young, and from the sound of it, you’re looking at a lot of sex ahead. Take care of yourself, and know that your understanding of sex (and of yourself) will only evolve the more you fuck.
Now, on to the mechanics: start kissing and don’t worry about what to do next. When you’re kissing him, you won’t be thinking, “Do I move into 69 next?” (Who, for that matter, suggested 69 is an obvious next step from kissing? It’s not.)
Don’t think. Don’t trust what you think.
Trust what you feel. Kiss him. Take his cues. Read his breath. The body knows what to do. You just have to trust it, and try to get out of your head. If you succeed at doing this, tell me how. I still struggle with staying in my head. When I let go and trust myself, sex is great. You’ll learn this and more.
Have fun, little piglet.
P.S. No, for the love of god, rimming doesn’t hurt. It’s your new favorite thing on this earth. Enjoy.