So you mentioned in that podcast that you enjoyed the back room at the Heretic. I’m curious about letting loose. Are you into anonymous loads and groups? If so, what are some things I would need to know? Also are you into fisting as well? I’m sorry if these questions are too personal but I live in a small area so any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
No question is too personal. Not here. That said, you may not have read much of my work if you’re asking whether or not I’m into fisting. Fisting is probably my favorite sex act. Taking anonymous loads is a close second — I’m a cumdump.
If you’re interested in doing either, the obvious things you need to know, including the health risks and proper health care, will be covered below.
First, the health stuff. If you want to get into the habit of taking anonymous loads, you must also get into the habit of getting tested for common sexually transmitted infections a minimum of every three months (I recommend more frequently, but every three months is the minimum). The STIs you need to get tested for are HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and hepatitis C. Have a doctor inspect your cock and ass every time you get tested for sores and bumps. Be forthcoming to your doctor about what you’re doing sexually. If your doctor passes judgment, find a new doctor.
I know it’s not always easy to find a good doctor. This is a major reason queer people flock to cities. Dense urban areas have a higher population of doctors, so your likelihood of finding a gay or gay-friendly physician is higher there. That’s honestly a big reason why I have exclusively lived in urban areas (four large metro areas, to be exact) as an adult. Better doctors, more queer people, and more sex.
If you’re HIV-positive, get on medication and don’t fuck around until you’re undetectable (until the medication has successfully halted your ability to pass HIV onto your sex partners). Undetectable = untransmittable. If you need more info on this, click here. If you’re HIV-negative, get on PrEP — an important medication that every sexually active HIV-negative person should consider. PrEP can keep you HIV-negative, regardless of condom use.
Most people in the U.S. practice responsive rather than preventative health care. If you get routine, thorough STI testing, you’re already doing quite a bit preventatively to protect yourself — more than many gay men out there — but technically this is a responsive regimen, since the most preventative action would be to use condoms every time. Since we’re making the choice to throw those out the window, routine testing is the next best option. This means responding quickly when you have an STI, and catching STIs quickly after getting them via STI testing, so that they don’t progress into greater health problems (as syphilis will do) and aren’t being spread. When you test positive for an STI, you need to cool it sexually for a minimum of five days, which is long enough for the medication to work and the infection to be cleared.
Being a sex-positive cumdump is about more than taking loads in your butt. It’s a mentality. People who do it best stay on top of their health. They stay up to speed on HIV and STI care. They know the ins and outs of clinics and are comfortable talking to doctors about the sex they’re having.
Now, on to the how-tos of being a cumdump. If you’re doing anon play right, you don’t know his name. You don’t have a “what’s your status” discussion beforehand. That risk, that anonymity, is part of the fun, but it’s not a fantasy. The risk is real, and if you play this way often, you will catch an STI. Take care of yourself accordingly.
Let me touch briefly on substances. The play you’re contemplating invites drugs like meth (Tina). Meth will make you sick, because it’s really, really bad for you. It’s one of the most addictive substances out there, and repeat use will lead to worse problems than a sore, dry throat. The drug will rewire the way your brain works — sometimes permanently. It will create a dependency, an inability to have sex without it. What that means is that if you ever decide that you absolutely can’t keep using it, the process of getting clean from the drug often involves an abstaining from sex for a while — for some, years — while you relearn how to fuck sober. Despite these massive risks, I and many other gay men are tempted by Tina every time we go out to play. It will be everywhere once you start doing what you want to do. Beware of it.
Let me touch also on mental health and emotional care. Substances aside, hard anonymous play can take other tolls on you. They can be strong, intense experiences, and just like hardcore BDSM, strong experiences can cause strong mental and emotional responses. For this reason, you must take breaks. If you like being a cumdump, don’t do it every weekend. Don’t even do it every other weekend. Schedule downtime. Put energy into other sexual experiences so that your sex life doesn’t become a one-tone parade of backrooms and dark apartments. Vary it up.
P.S. Thanks for listening to my interview with Dan Savage on Savage Lovecast. If you haven’t read my article that I discuss with him on the show, here it is.