So you mentioned in that podcast that you enjoyed the back room at the Heretic. I’m curious about letting loose. Are you into anonymous loads and groups? If so, what are some things I would need to know? Also are you into fisting as well? I’m sorry if these questions are too personal but I live in a small area so any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. 

— sent via my email.

No question is too personal. Not here.

You may not have read much of my work if you’re asking whether or not I’m into fisting and anon loads. At present, my sexuality is “anonymous loads.” I’ve only been getting fisted for about two years. I don’t get much practice where I live. If I did it more, it’d be my favorite.

Actually, that may not be true. I’m a submissive into many things — bondage, pain, degradation, suspension, service, ass training, masochism — for the right dominant. Doing this requires a relationship that I’m finding hard to build at this point in my life. There have been hopefuls, but either I’m too busy or he is, or we’re both unavailable in some way, and they’ve fizzled out. I miss it, but my circumstances or my head don’t seem to be facilitating that connection right now. The mind’s relationship to body and environment is weird and fickle.

If you’re interested in the activities listed above, the obvious things you need to know — health risks, proper healthcare — will be covered below. But chances are you already know the medical side of your interests. Maybe you’re in the same boat as me: hungry for a certain kind of sex life, but restricted — environmentally or otherwise — from enjoying it. Maybe I’m projecting, but that’s what I read when you say you’re “curious about letting loose.”

Let’s cover the health stuff. If you want to get into the habit of taking anonymous loads, you must also get into the habit of getting tested for a list of STIs every three months (I recommend more frequently, depending on how often you enjoy being a cumdump). Get tested regularly and routinely for HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and hepatitis C. Have a doctor inspect your cock and ass for sores and bumps. Be forthcoming to your doctor about what you’re doing sexually. If your doctor passes judgement or isn’t gay-friendly, find a new doctor.

I know this isn’t always easy, and this is a major reason we flock to cities. Dense urban areas have a higher population of doctors. Your likelihood of finding a gay or gay-friendly physician is higher in a city.

If you’re HIV-positive, get on medication and don’t fuck until you’re undetectable (until the medication has successfully halted your ability to pass HIV onto your sex partners). Undetectable = untransmittable. If you don’t believe this, or simply don’t know what this means, click here.

If you’re HIV-negative, get on PrEP — an important medication that every sexually active HIV-negative person should consider. If you’re enjoying high-risk sex (taking loads and playing anonymously), PrEP is a must. I’m saying this as someone living with HIV: The virus has hardly slowed me down, and I’m very healthy, but I don’t want you to get it. I want to spare you from the men who will turn you down over your status. I don’t encounter them much anymore, but they’re out there.

I want to spare you from having to tell your sister or your parents or your boss that you’re HIV-positive and watching the fear and misunderstanding fall across their faces. I want to spare you from the hours of explanation and discussion you’ll have, the days of feeling lonely and dirty that often come after testing positive, the reevaluation of yourself this virus forces you to make. Good things can come from these experiences — they did for me — but they still hurt. Even now, my heart breaks when someone I know seroconverts (gets HIV). So please, do what you need to do to keep it from happening.

“Letting loose” is about more than “taking loads in your butt.” It’s a mentality. People who do it best stay on top of their health. They stay up to speed on HIV and STI/STD care. They know the ins and outs of clinics and are comfortable talking to doctors about the sex they’re having. If you can’t do this, “letting loose” is not an option. When you play bare and take loads, all that discussion people pretend happens before sex is automatically discarded. Learn the concept of “assumed risk.” If they want to drop a load in your butt, they’re automatically assuming the risk of getting something from you, and you’re automatically assuming the risk of getting something from them — something more than a hot, fresh load.

If you’re doing anon play right, you don’t know his name. You don’t have a “what’s your status” discussion beforehand. That risk, that anonymity, is part of the fun, but it’s not a fantasy. The risk is real, and if you play this way often, you will catch something. Take care of yourself accordingly. You must practice a responsive rather than preventative health care, since a preventative one would be to not have anonymous sex in the first place.

Most people in the U.S. practice responsive rather than preventative care. If you stay physically active and do routine tests, you’re already doing quite a bit preventatively to protect yourself — more than many gay men out there who would never call themselves cumdumps and never profess to loving anonymous sex like you do.

If you’re in America, you live in a culture of “morning after” pregnancy tests and really unhealthy food. Most Americans only go to the doctor when we get sick, and we do little to prevent sickness from happening. So adjust your lifestyle to be prepared for STIs. Plan for them. Take care of yourself as much as you can so that you can enjoy the sex you like.

Let me touch briefly on substances: The play you’re contemplating invites drugs like meth. Meth will make you sick, because it’s not good for you, and repeat use can lead to much worse problems than a sore, dry throat. It will rewire the way your brain works — sometimes permanently. Despite these risks, I and many other gay men are tempted by Tina (crystal meth) every time we go out to fuck. I say this knowing it will be everywhere the minute you start playing: Beware of it. It will hurt you.

Let me touch even briefer on mental health and emotional care: Substances aside, hard anonymous play can take other tolls on you. They can be strong experiences, and just like hardcore BDSM, strong experiences can cause strong mental and emotional responses.

Take breaks. If you like being a cumdump, don’t do it every weekend. Don’t even do it every other weekend. Have downtime. Put energy into other sexual experiences so that your sex life doesn’t become a monotonous one-trick pony of backrooms and dark apartments. They’re hot and lovely, but they can become too much if they’re all you do. Remember to rest your mind as well as your body.

Last bit: Going through the details of fisting would take too long, so I’ll simply direct you to this piece and this piece and this piece I’ve written. Read them. Go slow. Enjoy.

If you’re in a small area — a small town pig hungry for backrooms and anonymous sex — then you must plan a trip somewhere where you can install yourself in a hotel room or cruise seedy gay bars all night. Do your research. Watch your drink. Assume risks. Chat with locals. Have fun.

You need to do this.

— Beastly

P.S. Thanks for listening to my segment on the Savage Lovecast. If you haven’t read my original article that I discuss on the show, here it is. ❤




Writer, blogger, illustrator, kinkster.

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