First of all — love your work and have been following you for years. Love everything you stand for and the message you share with the community (and beyond). Plus, your IG is hot AF!
OK, a few (anonymous) questions for you, would love your thoughts and answers but I’m sure you’ll get a bunch from folks as well:
1) I have a big ass — Puerto Rican big booty — and I want so badly to be a good bottom. I’ve only been sexually active in the last year (and I’m 26 but that’s another story) and whenever I do bottom, it “hurts so good” — I feel like I’m very tight and don’t know if that’s always a good thing. What do you think?
How does it feel? That’s what matters.
If you don’t enjoy sex because it hurts in the wrong way, your tops don’t either. They like making you feel good. I like when sex is a little painful, when it “hurts so good,” but I’m not tight, and I imagine we’re talking about two different things. I’m a bit of a masochist and like getting wrecked. I like when it hurts. You’re talking about what reads to me as a lack of experience, and therefore a lack of the ability to mentally and physically open up and relax, and you’re worried this is creating a less-than-great experience for your tops. Have you asked them? If they’re getting off, and you’re getting off, there’s not much more appraisal of sex to be had — you’re both enjoying it.
In time, you will learn to loosen up and relax, and your sex skill will improve. That takes time — and, in my opinion, a certain degree of ass training.
If you want to loosen up and learn to relax your hole better, that’s fine — and recommended. I didn’t improve as a bottom by having more sex. I improved when I started playing with toys, training my hole, and enjoying the sensation of stretching it. Start with a small butt plug and work it in and out with lots of lube. You can keep it in (not as fun) or slowly pump it in and out until you become comfortable with the feeling of your hole stretching — and start to like it.
Once that size is easy to take, go bigger. Mentally explore the feeling of your hole opening. Explore the sensation it delivers. Explore your breathing when you do it. When you’re bent over under the Provincetown pier and a guy in the dark with a huge dick bends you over and slides in, you’ll know how to open, how to take it in and out, in and out, until he delivers you to that powerful, perfect place where your body surrenders from the waist down, and you’re his hole.
You’re not there yet, I don’t imagine, but you will be with practice and a small butt plug. Happy stretching!
2) With bottoming, know cleanliness is ideal AF. What are some of your best tips?
Diet changes and fiber supplements have completely changed the cleaning process for me. I used to take forever to clean — an hour or more — and now I take less than thirty minutes. I added a daily fiber regimen to my diet (MetaMucil) that has become part of my routine, and more recently I became vegetarian, which has also made a noticeable difference. Vegetarianism is a bit extreme and not a requirement (total honesty: I did it for sex, but I don’t think everyone needs to take that drastic of measure) but daily fiber is a necessity.
Putting better stuff into your body reduces the cleaning process. Quick and effective cleaning depends on what you eat, not how well you clean. Douching isn’t good for you, and shouldn’t be done too much. Douching disrupts the good bacteria in your gut that is needed. Doing it too much or too often can lead to chronic gastrointestinal problems. Minimize the douching process as much as you can by taking a fiber supplement like MetaMucil or Pure For Men.
If you want more info on this, read my other post.
3) I haven’t been able to get a guy to cum on my chest even though I want it so badly — do you think maybe not all guys are into that? I find it hot to see a guy cum and actually see it, but maybe it’s just my experience where I feel alone there.
You’re such a brand new little cum pig. I love it. No, not all guys are into that. Just as not all guys are into cumming in an ass. Just as not all guys are into fisting.
The specific things that turn you on should not be seen as universal traits or even commonalities among guys who fuck guys. I’ve stopped seeing my turn-ons as points of similarity among gay and bi men — instead, they are my own private arsenal, my personalized list of erotic sensation.
As such, I have to communicate them. I have to tell other guys how to please me and what I like. This is normally done before I’m naked. When most guys get to that point with me, they already know what I’m into.
If you want a guy to cum on your chest, tell the guys you talk to online (or wherever you meet them) that you want them to cum on your chest. That’s it.
If they’re not into that, that’s fine. They don’t align with your personal turn-ons, and you can decide at that point if you want to play with them or move on. My advice: Play with them, and be open to trying out their turn-ons too. You’re new and don’t know what all sensation gay sex has to offer. Experiment.
4) Lastly, I’m definitely not in love with my body and want to self improve and love it more. Any advice — I feel like you have been transforming for self betterment lately and I would love you tips.
That is very kind and somewhat surprising. Half the time I feel like a cautionary tale on how not to live. I know that’s not fair — I have put years of hard work into self-improvement, and will continue to do so — but I’ve also done many things that I don’t suggest people doing.
I don’t buy heavily into very restrictive diets. Food, like sex, should be enjoyed. But there’s enough medical science to know that you don’t need much bread, sugar, or red meat. These three things in excess cause longterm health problems. Don’t cut them completely (unless you’re vegetarian). Just limited their intake. I love cupcakes, they’re one of my favorite things in the world, but I don’t eat one every day, or even every week. Saving heavy sweets for rare occasions makes them special.
I think most health problems can be prevented with a healthy diet and regular exercise. Moving your body and being active prevents heart disease. Running relieves constipation and shreds clingy fat (and does a whole lot more good stuff for you too). Swimming provides full-body exercise with no impact. My best advice is to find something physical that you enjoy doing, whether that’s lifting weights, running, CrossFit, swimming, or (best of all) some combination of all these, and set a schedule that’s realistic for where you are.
Trainers and coaches are wonderful and should absolutely be consulted in the beginning. If that means paying some money for their service for a few months, it’s money well spent. Someone needs to teach you how to do certain physical activities so that you don’t get hurt.
If you try the gym for a year and still hate it, maybe it’s not for you. There are other ways to be healthy. I have a coworker in flawless shape who de-stresses with running outside a few miles in the morning and skateboarding in a park near his apartment. He never sets foot in a gym.
You cannot out-gym a bad diet. Doing something healthy doesn’t discount unhealthy things you put in your body. Alcohol is simply not good for you, nor is any drug. If we only did things that were good for us and found it easy to do so, we wouldn’t live in a community of intelligent, lonely, hard-working, passionate people addicted to alcohol and other drugs like meth. There is value in pleasure, but in excess we usually run into problems.
Get comfortable with bland things — bland food, bland weekends, bland nights — and don’t chase ultimates (the best workout, the best dessert, the best sex weekend, the most intense orgy, the best body, the best workplace performance). Life is not lived in ultimates. If you try to, they stop becoming ultimates and morph into a constant uphill struggle that will burn you out, deplete your health and energy, or worse.
We need valleys with the peaks, relaxed weekends with intense ones, dull sex with the best sex, and stretches of clear-headed sobriety between wild druggy nights. I do not believe in all-or-none, embrace-or-outlaw approaches to anything, whether we’re talking about drugs or junk food. The only thing I think you should draw a “never” line at is heroin and other injection drugs.
Do things in moderation. You’re allowed to have ultimates — crazy drug-fueled orgies and intense workouts and a rich, five-course, carb-loaded meals in Italy — so long as you space them out with a whole lot of boring, dull, daily living and bland experiences between them. As you grow, you may come to find that the stretch of life between ultimates — that boring, dull, daily living — isn’t boring at all, and has a beauty and richness all its own. You’ll appreciate it more as you age.
Final bit: As you explore gay life more, you’ll meet many people with many different definitions of beauty. You will meet men who are so beautiful they’ll seem concocted in a lab. You’ll hate them for being so lovely. You’ll have several nights where you detest the whole scene, detest your sexuality, and wish for a moment that you didn’t partake in this cruel hierarchy.
The hierarchy is cruel, but I must caution you in these moments to step outside your perception of what gay life is, what beauty is, and who’s beautiful, and remember that there are many gay men out there who will live their whole lives in the closet, because they live in a country where they can be killed for coming out. They hunger for the freedom you have to ask guys to cum on your chest. They hunger for all this we get to live in.
There are beauty standards all over the world and not one of them is “real.” You will be beautiful to someone, and find sex, and find love, and find miraculous nights amid the muck, and you get to live in it with more freedom than countless queer brothers and sisters and sister-brothers across the globe. Honor them by owning and celebrating it. For every mean queen who blocks you on Grindr, for every pretty boy who ignores your existence at the bar, there are hundreds of us out there fearing for their lives. They are part of us. Our lives are theirs.
Again, you’re the jam and would love your thoughts here. Thanks for all you do for the community.
PS: wish you still lived in LA 😛
I miss it sometimes. Thank you for your kind words, and thanks for reading my work through the years. That means more to me than you know.
My Instagram is terrible, but thanks for following.