Don’t Pathologize Your Kinks

Hi Beastly. Years ago when I was much younger, I got involved in a “Fight Club” scene, although it WAS a bit different. It was a small group of gay men (in NYC) who liked rough sex, to put it mildly. Unlike the “Fight Club”, the prize wasn’t money – it was ass – I own you for tonight. Also, unlike the fight club, we had rules, as most of us had jobs. Rules – No head work, no visible marks, no solar plexus, no kidney or ball punches, although I know there are men who enjoy ball work. All else was on the table. I gotta confess that I enjoyed the hell of it. Here I am, many many years later, and living in a small town near Tucson. I don’t even know if I’m capable of regular romantic sex anymore, and yet, I don’t think my desire for men will ever fade. I’m just curious as to what you think, and do you know of any others in similar situations. I really enjoy reading the advice you have for others.


Buddy, I love hearing a brag, and that is a well-deserved brag. Those experiences sound hot. But if you’re seeking help for something, I’m afraid I don’t know what “situation” you’re in. Is the situation that you only enjoy hardcore, extreme sex, and are unable to find willing playmates in or near Tucson?

Is the “situation” the fact that you like sex like this — that you enjoy it more than “romantic sex” — which, I imagine, is the vanilla and traditional kind?

Here’s what I think: You’re not in a bad situation. There’s nothing wrong with liking hardcore sex. There’s nothing bad about preferring the extreme stuff over the vanilla, the wild over the mild. Don’t pathologize your desires just because they’re unconventional. Gay men get pathologized enough by the world — we don’t need to do it to ourselves.

People really want to pathologize kink, BDSM, and extreme sex stuff like the “fight club” parties you describe. Resist that urge.

According to Psychology Today, anywhere from 2 to 62 percent of people are into BDSM — a bizarre statistic to try to obtain since so many people polled will not be honest. More people are kinky than you think, and I do not believe all those people are traumatized sex addicts. If anything, I think kink is healthy, and many others do too.

I, too, feel barred from “regular romantic sex” sometimes. Many guys do. It’s not that we’re physically incapable of sweeter, intimate stuff — we simply don’t want it. I can still get through a vanilla, lights-on hookup, but why should I have to?

You’re not barred from love or romance, but you might be barred from a version of it in which love and romance are only represented by traditional, vanilla sex. That’s not how I express love or romance, and it sounds like you don’t either. As long as you set the rules of engagement and obey rules of consent, you’re free to do what you like — and brag about it.





  1. Hey Alex,
    Did you mean to say “There’s anything wrong with you” in your article? I enjoy reading your blog, and find the articles really interesting. Thanks for keeping it going.

    Kind regards,


  2. Hey beastly,

    I’ve been wanting to get into hardcore group play for a number of years now. I’m finally comfortable enough to accept the various fetishes I have and I am ready to be a cumdump. My issue though is seeking the fetish community. I’ve tried steamworks, but never seems to be as hard as I want it. I’ve stumbled upon some good hotel parties. But I feel like somewhere out there is a group of guys who would love to tie me up, hah me, piss in my mouth, dominate and so on. Hard bdsm. Do you have any advice on where I could find this? Also, you the best. Xoxo Chicago guy.


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