Hi Beastly. Years ago when I was much younger, I got involved in a “Fight Club” scene, although it WAS a bit different. It was a small group of gay men (in NYC) who liked rough sex, to put it mildly. Unlike the “Fight Club”, the prize wasn’t money – it was ass – I own you for tonight. Also, unlike the fight club, we had rules, as most of us had jobs. Rules – No head work, no visible marks, no solar plexus, no kidney or ball punches, although I know there are men who enjoy ball work. All else was on the table. I gotta confess that I enjoyed the hell of it. Here I am, many many years later, and living in a small town near Tucson. I don’t even know if I’m capable of regular romantic sex anymore, and yet, I don’t think my desire for men will ever fade. I’m just curious as to what you think, and do you know of any others in similar situations. I really enjoy reading the advice you have for others.

That sounds hot! I don’t know what “situation” you’re in. Is the situation that you only enjoy hardcore, extreme sex, and are unable to find willing playmates in or near Tucson?

Or is the situation the very fact that you like sex like this — that you may enjoy it more than “romantic sex” — which, I imagine, is the vanilla, traditional kind most people assume happens between committed, loving partners?

I don’t think you’re in a “situation.” There’s anything wrong with you. I may not be the most well-adjusted person, but I work hard and keep my life together, and that’s pretty good, all things considering. And I like extreme, hardcore sex.

I choose it over vanilla, traditional sex any day. And I don’t think my sexual preferences are indicative of any abuse, illness, perversion, trauma, or sickness.

People really, really want to pathologize kink, BDSM, and extreme sex stuff like the “fight club” parties you enjoyed. Resist that urge, and don’t pathologize yourself.

According to Psychology Today, anywhere from 2 to 62 percent of people in the world are into BDSM — a bizarre statistic to try to obtain since so many people polled will not be forthcoming about what they’re into (I’d wager the number is higher) — and I do not believe all those people are sick, traumatized, or unhealthy.

If anything, I think the opposite. I think kink is healthy, and many other people do too.

Based on what other gay men have told me, it sounds like the heyday of groups like the one you were part of was before my time — before Facebook, facial recognition technology, geolocation, and other invasions of privacy. But they’re certainly still out there. Have you thought about looking for one?

Honestly, yes, I do sometimes feel barred from “regular romantic sex” too. I think many guys do. We may be no less capable of the sweeter, more intimate stuff than anyone else is, but we have other parts to us — parts that enjoy fighting guys into submission and conquering their holes for a night, parts that hunger to be conquered and used — that our friends and partners have to understand and embrace. If someone doesn’t love the disgusting side of me, they’re not going to stay in my life very long. My loyalty is to my wildness first.

I have lovers and boyfriends, and with them, I sometimes have “regular, romantic sex,”  but they understand that sometimes I need to dip away into dark corners to get bred by strangers. The best people in my life are the ones who are just as faithful to their desires as I am.

All this is to say: You’re not barred from love or romance, but you might be barred from certain versions of it. You might not be able to participate in the conventional, monogamous, “together forever” brand of love. But who wants to? So long as you’re setting the rules of engagement and obeying the rules of consent — and it sounds like these fight clubs had established rules in which one was free to participate and adhere to — then you’re free to do what you love, no shame or apology required.

— Beastly

 

 

Writer, blogger, illustrator, kinkster.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: