When Everything’s Great Except the Sex

There’s this guy and I really like his personality a ton and I’m very attracted to him. We went on some dates but it fell apart because the sex just wasn’t good. I think he’s just very inexperienced (he came out after college and didn’t get much action in general I think). Or maybe it’s just that he’s not good in bed. Since then we’ve stayed great friends, and I think both of us secretly wish we could try dating again, but when we have done some FWB hookups…the sex still is just not very good. My question is, is there some way I can bring this up and maybe “teach” him how to be more responsive during sex etc? I fear bringing it up will just mortify him, or even if he’s up for “learning”, can chemistry or sexual skills be “taught”? Because if we could get the sex thing down I think we’d be great boyfriends!

 

Yes, sexual skills can be taught, but it’s not enough to say someone is simply “bad” or “inexperienced” at sex. Address the problem specifically. What exactly is happening? If he’s too tight and can’t relax, that takes practice, patience, and some reading. If he’s not fucking you how you want to be fucked, he needs your input. What are you not getting out of sex? What do you want him to do differently?

Everyone learns how to fuck, and we learn from other people. I’ve been coached through very intense sex by very patient partners. At times, I’ve called these people “coaches,” “trainers,” and “Sirs.” These words imply a BDSM context, but the dynamic they create is no less valid (and no less sexy) in a non-kinky, casual, FWB setup. He can call you a friend or boyfriend or whatever you want, but in the bedroom, you can become a sexual trainer to help him improve, and that dynamic can be hot.

But first, you must have a conversation with him about the sex you’ve been having, and yes, it might be awkward. You have to risk some discomfort because this conversation is really important.

When you sit down to talk, don’t blast him with “you” statements, which feel like accusations: “You’re inexperienced,” or, “It feels like you’re struggling a bit,” or, “This is what you’re doing wrong.” Instead, start with a question. Ask how sex has been for him —  what felt good, what didn’t — and tell him how it was for you. Let him know that some parts weren’t great.

Tell him you want to improve with him, not that you want him to improve. The key difference between those two statements is ownership — you’re owning the role you play in sex and acknowledging that some work might be needed from both of you. Tell him you’re willing to go on a sexual adventure with him to try new things. That may mean trying role play or focusing on sexual mechanics (ass training, etc.). If he’s game for this, you have a green light. If he’s not, leave this where it’s at.

All of that said, you may already have the ingredients to be great boyfriends — just not sexual ones. You like being around each other, you enjoy each other’s company, and you are genuinely attracted to each other. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t still be attempting sex or having hookups. Even though the sex is lackluster, he’s still ticking other boxes for you.

Is a monogamous relationship, one in which you only have sex with each other, the only relationship on the table? There are other options out there, and there are countless beautiful relationships in the world between people who connect romantically and powerfully but do not have sex.

I’m in one such relationship. Even though I’m flooded with desire and attraction every time I see my boyfriend, we don’t have a lot of sex. That’s because we both love getting fucked hard by strangers, which means we rarely do for each other what nameless guys on the Internet can do for us. Our sexual triggers spark in dark places when we’re surrounded by anonymous guys whose faces we can’t see — not home in bed. I wouldn’t change his sexual appetites any more than he would change mine. In fact, they are one reason why I love him so much.

There are many long-term relationships out there between men who are non-sexual life partners and non-sexual boyfriends. It’d be a shame to dismiss him as a great boyfriend and discard the good things you have with him just because the sex is lacking, especially if desire and attraction are present.

The communication necessary to have a nonmonogamous relationship is the make-or-break element. If you feel like you can tell him anything, even things he might not like to hear, without a nasty fight, you already have more than many long-term couples. I don’t know how well you guys talk, but if you can get through an uncomfortable sex chat, you can get through a talk about what kind of relationship would work between two guys who like each other but simply don’t click in bed. That relationship would need to involve or permit sex with other people. If you can work with that, and if he can, I suggest you give it a try.

He must be willing and ready to try it, just as he must be willing and ready to try things differently in bed. There is no convincing or wheedling either of these efforts if he’s resistant to them. In sex and love, you must be co-conspirators, complicit and equally excited. If one of you is dragging the other into something they don’t want, it’ll fail.

You don’t have to explore both these adventures — you can try new things sexually and remain casual FWBs, you can forego sexual exploration and try a relationship, or you can explore new sex and a new relationship simultaneously. Going in any of these directions will be an adventure you take with someone you already have a connection with.

So, to recap: Talk about the sex you’ve been having and tell him what you need from it. Share your experience rather than attacking his performance, and give him a chance to make it better. It’s always a good idea to access sex because humans can’t read minds. It’s not always clear what we like and what we don’t like, so we have to tell our partners directly. If you’re both willing to try new things and expand your sexual repertoire, do it (doing the same thing you’ve been doing is going to get the same results, sorry). And if you really think you have something special and could make a relationship work, ask him on a date and talk about trying something a little different.

Beastly

 

 

 

 

Talk to him.

Beastly 

 

 

4 Comments

  1. Very well written and explained. Sex and relationships are about communication – honest and real communication, just as sex should be – honest and real for your authentic self. Thank you as always for your great blog, and good luck to the guy who asked you the question.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beastly,
    This article was outstanding. As an R.N. who specializes in psychiatry, I have read my share advice columns. Yours is one of the most honest, down to earth and relatable I’ve ever come across. It’s also highly educational without being too scholastic. I applaud your strait forward advice. The world needs more people like you. Please continue doing what you do, because I’m certain you are changing peoples lives for the better.
    Sincerely,
    Mark Metz, R.N.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks so much for this article. My husband and I have been together over 23 years and we haven’t had sex since the first five. At first i thought something was wrong with me or the situation, but it’s nice to hear that we aren’t alone. And we’re not exactly struggling in our relationship. We’ve been open since day one so that also helps. Thanks again for your wise advice.

    Liked by 1 person

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