Hi, I’m hoping maybe you can help me. My life has been shattered because, other than catching my husband in the act, I have come to the conclusion that my husband is having an affair. For months I was thinking of a female until recently I’ve realized that it’s not with females, it’s with men. I have been consuming my life trying to figure out what I did wrong. He is completely denying liking men. He is homophobic. He is religious. He has a big part in him not coming out and that he won’t make it to heaven. In the meantime, he is gaslighting me.
Read this carefully: Regardless if your husband is telling the truth, if you’re not happy, you should leave him.
If you truly caught him in the act, red-handed, there would be no need to question whether or not he’s sleeping with someone else or “come to the conclusion” that he is, because you would have evidence. I don’t know what you saw, but since you’ve been agonizing for months over the gender of the person (or persons) you think he’s sleeping with, I have some reasonable doubt that you really caught him “in the act.”
You may have found porn in his internet search history, but that’s not the same thing as catching him with his tongue down another man’s throat. Again, though, I don’t know what you saw.
If this other person (or people) exists, why does their gender matter? What difference does it make? What should concern you is the fact that you think your husband is lying to you, and worse, gaslighting you (by which I assume you mean that he’s telling you you’re crazy and saying you’re the one who is causing problems in the marriage).
You’ve confronted him and he has denied your claims. Now you must make you a choice: You must believe him or don’t. He’s either lying or telling the truth (you’ll likely never fully know which). If you don’t believe him and can’t believe him, your relationship has no real future. Relationships are built on trust and honesty and you have neither.
If, after a confrontation, he said, “Yes, I’m having an affair, but I love you and want to make this work with you, and I don’t know how to do both, but I need what he gives me and I need what you give me, too,” what would you say? Would you let him have his playmate as long as he came home to you every night? An affair is not always a death note. For couples who, when confronted, have built such honest rapport that they are able to share painful secrets, affairs can potentially lead to good things and improve the relationship as a whole.
Sorry, but it doesn’t sound like you’re in that kind of relationship. If your suspicions are correct, and he’s a religious, homophobic man secretly sleeping with men, there’s nothing you can do and nothing you’ve “done wrong.” There are men like that in every town all over the world. You can’t save them or help them. You can only save yourself — leave.
If you’re wrong, and he’s telling the truth, how would you know that you’re wrong? You can’t verify his assurances. You can’t see everything he does when you’re not around. You’ve continued to believe your suspicions despite his denials, so your best course is still to leave. Because the truth you believe is the only one that matters.
The truth is a story we tell ourselves. We tell it over and over, corroborating it with everything we think we know until nothing else can be believed. Like memory, truth is malleable; it fits our fears and biases like a glove.