Sex Is More Than Cumming

I’m a 49-year-old gay Latin male. My question is, I am experiencing difficulties cumming when I’m being asked to cum. I want to know if you have a technique that will help me take my mind out of it. I’m seeing a guy that I really like, but every time we are having sex and he started asking me to give it to him I get anxious to cum and I can’t, even after I pulled it out and masturbate, it’s like my dick is super hard but doesn’t want to culminate the act. 
And I feel frustrated because I like this guy a lot and I want to please him and make him feel good and enjoy our time together. 

 

I love jizz as much as the next person, but it’s not the “culmination” of sex. The older we get, people with penises often have a harder time ejaculating, and there are multiple medical and emotional reasons why one might struggle to do so.

You may be struggling with delayed ejaculation, ejaculatory inhibition, retrograde ejaculation, or inability to reach orgasm (anorgasmia). Any of these conditions can be a side effect of medication or prostate surgery. Since I don’t know your medical history, you should talk to your doctor. They will be able to tell you if something you’re taking might be affecting your ability to cum (antidepressants are notorious for doing this).

I can help with the problematic way you view ejaculation — as the “culmination” of sex. If cumming is the culmination of sex, all the great sex out there that doesn’t involve ejaculation must be garbage, eh?  Wrong. You’re discrediting and discarding so much sex by thinking that good sex ends one way — with an ejaculation.

Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you feel pressure when he says he wants you to cum. Tell him this pressure is keeping you from actually cumming, because that’s what is likely happening.

You’re understandably frustrated because you are unable to deliver what you think he really wants. And if that’s all he wants — a load, nothing more — he can get that from any anonymous top. But if he wants you — if he values sex with you as a person — he’ll be willing to explore other forms of sex with you and stop pressuring you to perform.

When we privately masturbate, there’s no pressure or performance anxiety — we’re alone and comfortable and it’s usually much easier to cum. If he’s pressuring you and you feel performance anxiety, you’re not comfortable, and when you’re not comfortable, it’s almost impossible to cum.

Sex is more than ejaculation. It is exploration and pleasure and experimentation. It’s power exchange and risk and gamble and reward. The script of how you think sex should happen — penetration, fucking, ejaculation — ignores some facts: 1) not everyone can ejaculate and 2) not everyone has the option of enjoying cum. When I was new to HIV, I enjoyed many non-penetrative kinks which posed no risk of HIV transmission and did not involve any bodily fluids.

The older we get and the more we struggle with ejaculating, the more we should explore these kinks, along with other forms of pleasure and other ways to orgasm (there are many).

If you’re up for it, experiment with prostate stimulation, which generally produces stronger orgasms than penis stimulation, or try my personal favorite — anal orgasms. Most importantly, you should explore the power of touching, kissing, and fucking without worrying about whether or not anyone “culminates” the act by cumming. Focus on pleasure and let ejaculation be an afterthought.

Think of that narrow sex script as one dish of the massive buffet table of sex. There’s much more to experience.

Many people struggle with this, so here’s my PSA to everyone who does: Let’s liberate sex from the confines of “orgasm” and “ejaculation” and acknowledge that there are many ways to experience pleasure — ways which are inclusive and welcoming of all bodies and abilities.

First, though, talk to your doctor and rule out a medical or medicinal reason why you might be having this problem. And regardless if it is a medical or medicinal issue, you should work on eradicating your expectations, because expectations kill sex. If you stay in your head about what you think is expected of you, you’ll keep hitting this roadblock. If he isn’t willing to experiment with you — if he wants a load, nothing more — consider finding a new and more adventurous person to play with.

Beastly

 

 

3 Comments

  1. I am slow to cum when I am with a partner but that means I can fuck as long as the partner wants to. Rarely I will cum from fucking but most of the time I jerk off to cum. Over the last year I can cum faster and I credit a patient partner who accepted my situation.

    Like

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